At Resolve Conflict Family Lawyers and Mediators our focus is always on the children and finding divorce solutions that keep their welfare front and centre.

Coping with parenting when your children are split between two households and two parents, and in some cases, partners and grandparents, is difficult.  You need patience and a good dollop of kindness and understanding to manage your children.  You also need to have a commitment to consistency between parents.  Setting boundaries and keeping disciplinary measures in place will make life easier for everyone all round, including the children.

Here are some tips that will help you along the way:

  • Try to keep the same rules in place that were followed before the separation. If your kids weren’t allowed to watch television after 6pm don’t suddenly decide that it is OK for them to do that. When kids are feeling like their world is changing, they need to have some sameness in their daily routine.  Maintaining household rules and standards can give them a sense of stability.

 

  •  If you have a less than cordial relationship with your ex try to enlist the help of a 3rd party to discuss discipline for the children.  To have consistency across both homes will be a great help to you both, no matter how hard that is to achieve.

 

  •  No matter how hard it is, for your children’s sake, don’t reverse each other’s decisions.  It will only confuse your children.   And don’t say yes when you had agreed to say no.

 

  •  Most of all – don’t discuss your personal views of the other parent with your child and never try to turn your children against the other parent. Remember, this person is still your child’s father or mother and they deserve the right to have their relationship with them untarnished by your views.  In years to come they will be able to make up their own mind, but for now, hold your tongue. No matter how hurt or angry you are, keep your opinions to yourself and spend some time venting with a close friend, not your children.

 

  •  Living between two houses can be tough.  Try to achieve a routine that kids can feel comfortable with which will help make them feel secure, and help them manage the division of clothes and other personal items at home and school so they never have the added stress of being without something as it’s at ‘the other parents house’.

It can be a difficult and awkward time transitioning to a two-parent lifestyle but a good result can be achieved. Above all keep talking with your children about how they are feeling and what they are experiencing.

For more information on how you can separate and divorce with or without court please contact our office  – 9620 0088

 

Tips to ensure a peaceful divorce

by resconflict on September 19, 2017

Tips to ensure a peaceful divorceHaving a peaceful divorce not only alleviates stress throughout the divorce process but can also help you move on afterwards and ensure you have an amicable relationship with your ex if children are involved. The following article looks at things you can do to ensure a peaceful divorce.

Tips to ensure a peaceful divorce

By  via familyshare.com

Unfortunately, marriages aren’t always like a fairy tale, and not every couple lives happily ever after. But that doesn’t mean you can’t live happily ever after anyway. There are lots of things you can do after the divorce to ensure that you still live a happy life ahead. But one of the first things you have to do is begin with a peaceful divorce.

A peaceful divorce leads to a peaceful life after divorce

The reason you have to start with a peaceful divorce is because if you’re already deciding to divorce, it’s likely that you and your spouse don’t agree on much. It’s also likely that there’s a lot of damage and a lot of anger in your relationship that stems from years back. If you don’t get along right now, what makes you think you’re going to get along once you divorce? Creating a peaceful divorce will help heal old wounds so that you and your spouse can go on to have a cordial and respectful relationship.

Tips to create a peaceful divorce

1. Conquer demons and baggage from the past

Just because you divorce doesn’t mean that all the hurt and problems over the years magically goes away. You still have to learn how to get past the damage that was done. Read books, talk to friends, or even see a counsellor to help you heal from all the old wounds. This will not only help you heal from the old relationship but will ensure that you don’t carry it with you to a new relationship.

2. Don’t do spiteful things

When you’re divorcing it’s easy to think you won’t have to deal with your soon-to-be-ex for much longer. You think you can go ahead and do whatever you want whether they like it or not. The truth is, if you have kids you’ll still be dealing with them weekly or even daily. So don’t do anything that’s going to hurt them just because you’re getting a divorce. It doesn’t help your relationship currently, and it won’t help your relationship in the future, either.

3. Let go of the love

You fell in love with your soon-to-be-ex for a reason. So it’s likely that there are still pieces of him that you still care about. If you want a peaceful divorce, you have to learn to let that love go. You can still care about her, you just can’t love her romantically anymore. If you don’t learn to let it go, then you’ll still be romantically invested in him and overly concerned with what he is doing, who he’s dating, etc. Once you divorce, it’s no longer your right to make requests and expect him to do it out of care for you. As soon as you let that love go, you’ll stop behaving in ways that expect him to, you won’t get as hurt or angry when he doesn’t honour your request. And you’ll move on sooner, as well.

Related Article: 6 Steps to a Peaceful Divorce

4. Let go of the anger

You’ve spent a number of years with your spouse. You may feel resentful that he let you down after so many years and is now forcing your life to take a turn you didn’t want. You may feel resentful toward her for whatever is causing the divorce (addiction, infidelity, etc.). Whatever the reason, you have to learn to let it go. When you feel angry, it’s easy to let that influence your decisions, interactions, etc. Making decisions based on anger or resentment is a sure way to make bad decisions. It also does you no good to hold on to that anger as you begin your new life and seek out new relationships (this is called baggage.)

5. Learn to forgive

Forgiveness doesn’t mean to absolve your spouse of his wrongdoing which led to divorce. Forgiveness is also not so that your ex can sleep better at night knowing you’re not mad at her. In fact, forgiveness isn’t about your ex at all. It’s about you. Forgiveness means that you choose to not let the old problems affect you anymore. Forgiveness helps you so that you don’t have to continue the same damaging patterns even if your ex does. When you truly forgive for the hurt, pain and years of your life lost, you stop trying to make your ex pay for it. You stop trying to make decisions that will result in her anguish. Instead, you will make decisions based on good, sound principles that help you move on. This will help stop a lot of the bickering, fighting and litigating that often goes along with divorce.

Another important piece of information that’s important for divorcees to know is that you can have a peaceful divorce even if your spouse doesn’t seem to want one. There’s no reason that you have to engage in the hurtful, spiteful and often childish behaviour that goes on during a divorce. Even if your spouse insists on litigating over every small detail, you can still make a peaceful divorce for yourself by making good decisions and letting go of past hurt. As long as you’re in a good place within yourself, you can rest assured that you’re making good decisions and you won’t have to worry so much about his litigation or what he’s doing. You’ll be able to move on with your life more quickly. After all, moving on with your life is the reason you wanted to get a divorce.

For more articles please visit the Resolve Conflict Blog here. If you have any queries on Family Law or Mediation please don’t hesitate to contact us on 03 9620 0088 or email info@resolveconflict.com.au

How To Tell Your Spouse That You Want A Divorce

by resconflict on September 13, 2017

How To Tell Your Spouse That You Want A DivorceAcknowledging that your marriage has come to an end is very difficult and something that shouldn’t be taken lightly, however when you have made the decision how do you tell your partner? The following article looks at the best ways to broach the subject and what you should be mindful of.

How To Tell Your Spouse That You Want A Divorce

By Susan Pease Gadoua via huffingtonpost.com

You’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Maybe you have spoken to your therapist or clergy person, trusted friend or family member. You’ve most likely spoken to an attorney to educate yourself about what’s ahead, financially at least. Your marriage, despite all the hard work you did together or separately, is over.

Now what?

As much as it may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to say, it’s time to tell your spouse you want a divorce. But when? How?

Don’t blindside your spouse.
Those are not easy questions to answer, but much will depend on whether or not your spouse has any idea of how you feel. If you have been in marital therapy together or have had numerous discussions about how troubled you are by the relationship, or if the feelings are clearly mutual, you will have more options. The words, “I would like a divorce,” as challenging as they may be to say and hear, won’t necessarily be a shock. But if your spouse has no idea, you will likely blindside him or her and that can be devastating. It may also result in a much more difficult transition for both because your spouse will be experiencing the early stages of grief — denial and anger — while you are not only accepting that the marriage isn’t working, but also ready and eager to move on with your life.

It’s all about timing.
Ideally, you’ll want to tell your spouse you’re considering divorce as soon as you realize you want to end your marriage. Saying it when you’re calm and have time to talk about it together, such as at the beginning of the weekend, is a good idea. You already know when your spouse is open to hearing bad news; take that into account. When it comes to finding the right words to say, it’s much more powerful to state your feelings about the relationship clearly, honestly and as kindly as possible, than calling your spouse on all the things you think he or she has done wrong in the marriage. Saying, “I feel sad that we don’t spend time together anymore and that we’ve grown apart,” is easier to hear than a blaming, shaming, “You never do things with me anymore, and it’s your fault that I feel lonely.”

Related Article: Considering Divorce? You Need An Exit Plan!

Think things though.
If you haven’t yet told your spouse that you are contemplating divorce (or you have but he or she hasn’t heard you or doesn’t understand the seriousness of your thoughts), then it’s important to have a well thought-out strategy on how and when to share your feelings. It’s always kinder to give your spouse notice of your feelings. This gives him or her a chance to respond and perhaps even work toward improving things. Saying something like, “I haven’t been happy for a long time. I’d like to tell you what’s going on for me, and see if we can work on some of the things that are troubling,” is a good place to start — assuming you truly are open to fixing the marriage. If you’re not, don’t give your spouse false hope.

Be calm, kind and direct.
When you’re ready to say you want to split, be as direct and compassionate as you can: “I know this may be hard for you to hear, but I believe our marriage is over and that we need to get divorced.” After all, this was a person you once loved and may even still love but can no longer live with. While you not be able to consciously uncouple, if you have children together your soon-to-be former spouse is going to be in your life for a long time; you’ll have to learn how to effectively co-parent in separate households. Parting in as loving and respectful a way as possible goes far toward making that transition happen.

Related Article: 6 Steps to a Peaceful Divorce

Be safe.
If you’re concerned about your safety, you may want to tell him or her in front of a neutral third party, such as a therapist, or you may want to say it in a public place where people will be around you. You can’t control how well your spouse takes the news, but there are ways that you can reduce the anger and encourage understanding.

Be serious.
Divorce is a big decision, especially if you have young kids at home. Never use the “D” word as an idle threat — that’s manipulative and cruel — and don’t blurt it out in the heat of an argument no matter how tempting it may be. But if you have done all you can to make your marriage work and divorce still is the way to go, then knowing how and when to tell your spouse will help both of you accept, adjust and eventually move on.

How To Handle Divorce In A Family Business

September 5, 2017

Family business at the best of times can be fraught with hurdles, however adding divorce into the mix really can add a lot more complexity. The following article looks at the best options for divorcing business owners. How To Handle Divorce In A Family Business By Larry Light | MAR 7, 2016 | forbes.com The marriage […]

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4 Red Flags That Your Kids Are Seriously Suffering During Your Divorce

August 30, 2017

Parents going through a separation or divorce have a lot of change, stress and emotion to deal with. However, it is important they are also vigilant in ensuring their children aren’t negatively affected by the process. The following article highlights 4 ‘Red Flags’ that children may be suffering and how to help them through this […]

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Top 7 Steps to Help Deal with Finances During Divorce

August 23, 2017

There are many important things you need to organise when going through separation and divorce. One that may not be a priority, however is crucial to your current and future financial wellbeing, is your finances. The following article outlines the top seven steps to take when going through a divorce to help you get a […]

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Considering Divorce? You Need an Exit Plan!

August 15, 2017

If you have come to the conclusion that your marriage is irreconcilable, getting pre-divorce advice and planning for the inevitable split are smart practical steps to take. By thinking ahead and making appropriate plans you can ease the transition for both you and your family. The following article highlights some tips to consider before you […]

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Child Visitation Problems – Making Them Go

August 9, 2017

Having child visitation problems is an unfortunate experience that most divorced parents face, even with an amicable divorce. Children at some point in time will resent the visitation schedule and refuse to go see the other parent. This in turn puts the custodial parent in an uncomfortable position. Do you make them go, or do you side […]

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9 Things To Consider Before Telling Your Kids About The Divorce

August 2, 2017

Speaking to children about separation and divorce can be a tricky conversation and one you and your soon to be ex-partner want to get right. The following article, by Armin Brott, highlights specific points you should think about prior to speaking to your children.   9 Things To Consider Before Telling Your Kids About The Divorce […]

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7 Ways to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship

July 27, 2017

Ongoing conflict within a relationship can be exhausting and detrimental. The following article by relationship counsellor, Clinton Power, outlines 7 helpful tips to manage conflict within any relationship.   7 Ways to Reduce Conflict in Your Relationship By Clinton Power via Clinton Power + Associates Conflict is a sign your relationship needs to grow. Conflict […]

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The five Cs of separation and divorce

July 19, 2017

The following article gives expert advice, by Dr Justin Coulson, on the five key things to making a separation and divorce as easy on children as it can be. The five Cs of separation and divorce By Dr Justin Coulson | Kidspot.com.au As of 2011, there is some good news about divorce – it’s becoming […]

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