Strategies for Clearer, Calmer Communication When Responding to a High-Conflict Ex

By Deborah Wilson, Partner and Accredited Family Law Specialist
Meet Deborah

Separation can bring enormous emotional strain, especially when parenting arrangements require ongoing contact with a former partner. For some, communication remains civil. For others, it can become consistently hostile, with sharp words exchanged via text, email, social media, or in person.

When faced with aggression, it’s natural to want to defend yourself or match the tone. However, reacting this way can entrench conflict and escalate tension—resulting in significant consequences for both parties and, most importantly, the children.

Why It Matters

Research indicates that high-conflict co-parenting environments can have lasting effects on children’s emotional and behavioural development, including issues with learning, self-esteem, and mental health. Courts are becoming increasingly aware of the tone and content of communications between co-parents. Messages are frequently used as evidence—not only of parenting capacity and communication style, but also of a person’s ability to prioritise the wellbeing of the child.

This is why it’s crucial to handle communications carefully, especially when you’re on the receiving end of hostile messages.

A Better Way to Respond: The BIFF Method

One powerful communication tool developed by Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute is the BIFF Response. Designed for high-conflict interactions, this method helps maintain respectful, clear, and emotionally neutral communication—even when tensions are high.

BIFF stands for:

  • Brief
    Keep responses short and to the point — ideally one paragraph or less. Avoid lengthy justifications or explanations. If the other person sends a long message, resist the urge to match their volume. Less is more.
  • Informative
    Stick to the facts. Share only necessary information, devoid of opinions, emotions, or defensiveness. Remember: you’re not obligated to justify yourself when faced with accusations or negativity.
  • Friendly
    A simple polite greeting and a courteous closing can soften the tone, regardless
    of the message content. For example, phrases like “Thanks for your message” or “Hope you have a nice day” can help de-escalate tension.
  • Firm
    Close the loop. Be clear and decisive about what will happen next. If a response is needed, give two options and a reasonable deadline. If no reply is required, indicate that clearly.

Sometimes, Silence Is Best: AOI – And Occasionally Ignore

An insightful addition to the BIFF model — shared by a former client — is AOI: And Occasionally Ignore.

There are situations where the most effective response is no response. For instance:

  • The message is purely inflammatory or insulting.
  • It’s a repetition of an earlier argument.
  • You’ve already addressed the issue.
  • It’s an expression of personal opinion, not a question or a request.

Choosing not to engage isn’t avoidance — it’s a strategic decision to preserve your peace and prevent conflict from escalating unnecessarily.

Practical Tips for Managing Conflict-Fuelled Communication

Here are some extra guidelines to support you:

  • Avoid judgment or criticism
    Phrases like “You should know better” or “I can’t believe you’d say that” only inflame the situation.
  • Refrain from offering advice unless asked
    Even well-meant suggestions can be perceived as condescending or controlling in a high-conflict dynamic.
  • Stay on topic
    If your ex strays into unrelated territory, gently redirect the conversation to the matter at hand.
  • Know when to end the exchange
    If the back-and-forth becomes unproductive, a firm but polite close like “That’s all I have to say on this. Take care” sets a clear boundary.
  • Use BIFF in person, too
    While BIFF is especially useful for emails and texts, with practice, it can help guide calm and constructive communication during face-to-face interactions, such as changeovers.

A Tool for Parenting — and Beyond

One of the greatest benefits of the BIFF (and AOI) approach is that it empowers you to set boundaries, reduce emotional reactivity, and model respectful behaviour — both for your children and yourself. Even if your ex remains hostile, you maintain your integrity and self-respect.

Over time, this approach can positively influence the overall tone of communication and even improve the dynamic.

Importantly, should any of your interactions ever be examined in a legal context, you will have a record of calm, considered, and child-focused communication — something courts take seriously when evaluating parenting arrangements.

BIFF Response Checklist

Before hitting “Send,” ask yourself:

  1. Is it Brief?
  2. Is it Informative?
  3. Is it Friendly?
  4. Is it Firm?

If all four boxes are ticked, you’ve written a BIFF response. And if the message doesn’t need a reply, consider AOI.

If you are navigating communication challenges with a former partner, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Our experienced family law team can provide practical guidance and legal support to help you maintain healthy boundaries and focus on what truly matters — the well-being of your children and your peace of mind.

Learn more about Deborah Wilson and how she can assist with your family law matters.

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