People don’t usually come to a family lawyer to ask whether they should stay in their relationship.

More often than not, by the time someone walks into my office, they have already separated or have decided that separation is inevitable.

But after many years working as a family lawyer, I have found myself reflecting on this question more and more.

When should you separate?

Before I say anything else, there are some important caveats.

There are relationships that need to end.

Where there is family violence, coercive control, abuse, serious safety concerns, or ongoing behaviour that places a person or child at risk, the advice in this article is not directed at those situations. There are circumstances in which separation is necessary, and safety must always come first.

Similarly, where conflict is so significant that it is impacting children, separation may be the healthier option.

Research consistently tells us that children generally do best when they have meaningful relationships with both parents and are not exposed to ongoing parental conflict. Importantly, conflict is harmful whether parents are together or separated.

Many of us have heard adults say, “I wish my parents had separated.”

Sometimes remaining together is not what is best for children.

But for everyone else, I think there is a conversation worth having.

One of the most useful pieces of advice I have ever heard is this:

“Being in a relationship is hard. Separating is hard. Choose your hard.”

That advice is not intended to encourage people to stay in unhealthy relationships. Rather, it is a reminder that no version of adult life is free from challenge.

Relationships require work.

Parenting requires work.

Separation requires work.

Co-parenting after separation requires work.

There is often an assumption that separation will solve the problems that exist within a relationship. Sometimes it does. Sometimes people leave relationships and feel an overwhelming sense of relief. Sometimes separation is exactly the right decision.

But sometimes people imagine that the grass will be greener on the other side, only to discover that many of the challenges they were experiencing have simply changed shape.

Instead of one household, there are now two.

Instead of one set of expenses, there are two.

Instead of seeing your children every day, you may see them half the time.

Instead of one support system, there are often fractured relationships, financial pressures and significant uncertainty.

As family lawyers, we see both realities.

We see clients who thrive after separation.

We also see clients who discover that separation created challenges they never anticipated.

One thing I have observed is that modern relationships are under enormous pressure.

Families are juggling careers, financial stress, parenting responsibilities, household management, caring responsibilities, and increasingly demanding lives.

Many people feel exhausted.

Many people feel disconnected.

Many people feel as though they have lost themselves.

And often, those feelings become attached to the relationship itself.

But sometimes the relationship is not the entire problem.

Sometimes a person feels unfulfilled because they have lost their own identity, friendships, hobbies, passions or sense of purpose.

Sometimes they are burnt out.

Sometimes they are overwhelmed.

Sometimes they carry wounds, habits, or communication styles that began long before the relationship itself.

It is worth asking whether those issues have been explored before making a decision that will fundamentally change the lives of everyone involved.

We seek professional advice for almost everything else in our lives.

• We consult financial advisers about our investments.
• We see doctors about our health.
• We engage coaches for sport and business.

Yet somehow we are expected to instinctively know how to navigate one of the most complex things human beings ever do: relationships.

The reality is that most of us were never taught how to communicate effectively, resolve conflict, repair ruptures, navigate parenting disagreements or maintain connection during periods of stress.

Many of the difficulties couples face are not unique.

Common Causes of Relationship Breakdowns

Financial pressure is one of the leading causes of relationship breakdown.

Disagreements about parenting are another.

Those are not necessarily signs that a relationship is doomed. There are often signs that support may be needed.

Counselling, relationship education, coaching, parenting support and individual therapy can all provide valuable tools.

Of course, not every relationship can be saved.

Some people genuinely try everything.

They attend counselling.

They engage in self-reflection.

They work hard.

And despite their efforts, they discover they are fundamentally incompatible.

That is okay too.

But I often wonder how many couples give up before they have genuinely explored the available options.

One example that has always stayed with me comes from a book on high-conflict couples.

A wife is waiting for her husband to come home. He messages to say he is running late.

She feels disappointed.

Then her disappointment becomes something bigger.

She starts thinking: “He always does this. Work always comes first. He doesn’t prioritise me. He doesn’t care about our relationship.”

By the time he arrives home, she is angry and hurt.

Meanwhile, he has been focused on work and has no idea what has been happening emotionally for her.

When he walks through the door, he is met with frustration and criticism.

He becomes defensive.

She feels unheard.

He feels attacked.

Eventually, they retreat to separate rooms, each feeling lonely and misunderstood.

What is tragic about the story is that both people wanted the same thing: to spend time together.

Neither got what they wanted.

Instead, they became trapped in a cycle where each person’s reaction reinforced the other’s fears.

I think many couples can recognise versions of that dynamic in their own relationships.

Not because they are bad people.

Not because they don’t love each other.

But because relationships are difficult, and communication is hard.

The reality is that if we do not address the ways we show up in relationships, there is a reasonable chance those patterns will follow us.

There is a reason that second and third marriages also experience significant rates of breakdown.

Changing partners does not automatically change patterns.

Sometimes the most important work is the work we do on ourselves.

And if separation does become necessary, it is important to understand what lies ahead.

Separation is consistently recognised as one of life’s most stressful events.

• Housing uncertainty.
• Financial uncertainty.
• Changes to parenting arrangements.
• Changes to friendships.
• Changes to identity.
• Changes to routine.

For many people, it feels as though every aspect of life is being reshaped at the same time.

That does not mean separation should be avoided at all costs.

It simply means that the decision deserves careful thought.

As family lawyers, our role is not to convince people to separate.

Nor is it to convince people to stay.

“Our role is to support people through whatever decision they ultimately make.”

The clients who walk through our doors are already facing one of the most difficult periods of their lives. We cannot remove that difficulty, but we can help them navigate it with clarity, compassion and good advice.

So when should you separate?

There is no universal answer.

But if you are asking the question, it may be worth first asking a few others:

• Have we genuinely explored counselling or relationship support?
• Have we addressed the issues that belong to us individually?
• Have we learned healthy ways to communicate?
• Have we exhausted the options available to us?

And if the answer is yes, and separation remains the right path, then that is okay too.

The goal is not to preserve every relationship at all costs.

The goal is to make thoughtful decisions that promote safety, wellbeing and healthy futures for ourselves and our children.

Sometimes that future is together.

Sometimes it is apart.

Either way, it deserves careful consideration.

Author: Alyson Gale, Partner, Resolve Conflict Family Lawyers & Mediators